Yu-Gi-Oh: Aboard the Great Titanic
by Macavity
Summary: In case you can't guess from the genre, this is a humorous parody of the movie "Titanic". For some reason I just love spoofing stuff. Anyway, please R/R!


Disclaimer: YU-GI-OH IS MINE!!! And if you believed that, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you. Or maybe an egg-laying rooster. Anyway, you all know the drill.  
  
Author's Notes: Watching Titanic + Pixy-Sticks + Mountain Dew + Itchy Keyboarding Fingers + Yu-Gi-Oh Reruns = a very insane fan-fiction authoress and a will to parody Titanic. I'll try to name references for some of the jokes I've written in:  
  
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1)  
  
Blues Brothers (2)  
  
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (3)  
  
Starship Titanic (4)  
  
I think that's everything, therefore…ON WITH THE FIC!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yu-Gi-Oh!  
  
Titanic  
  
It was a beautiful morning when Yami DeWitt boarded the luxury liner Titanic. He clambered out of the beautiful automobile, along with his father, Yugi DeWitt, and his fiancée, Tea Gardiner.  
  
"This is stupid," Yami complained to his father, out of earshot of Tea. "Why do I have to marry this stuck-up idiot?"  
  
"Because we're not as rich as we seem to be, and she's going to inherit the Gardiner millions, and quite frankly you're the only decent-looking one in the family," Yugi replied severely.  
  
"But you're the one who has a crush on her!"  
  
"Oh, yeah, like that would happen. For Duel Monsters' sake, Yami, I'm your father! I'm like twenty years older than you!"  
  
"But we look exactly alike! Why wouldn't she like you?"  
  
"Yami, this is not an option. You are marrying Tea and gosh darn it you are going to like it or Duel Monsters help me I'll kill you."  
  
"This is so stupid," Yami grumbled, just as Tea decided to run over and put a death grip on his arm.  
  
"Ooo, look, Yami, isn't it lovely?" she cooed, dragging him on board. Yami shot a pleading glance at Yugi, who shook his head.  
  
"Yeah. Lovely. Peachy. Can we go now?" Yami replied.  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
Seto Dawson snuck aboard the third-class portion of the Titanic. He assaulted a few winos that were actually rich enough to have bought tickets, stealing the tickets and using them for passage. After another thought, he went back, stole their wine, replaced it with milk, and boarded.  
  
He settled into his meager pathetic and downright grungy third-class room easily, enjoying the freedom. After about thirty seconds, he realized that third-class meant they didn't provide fresh air in the cabins, and the carbon dioxide buildup was making him dizzy, so he decided to go out on the flimsy tin-foil balcony especially for third-class.  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
Yami managed to sneak away from the Death Grasp of Tea and went out onto the beautiful polished-cherry-wood first-class balcony. He pulled out a deck of Duel Monsters cards and began shuffling through them.  
  
"Dark Magician, Celtic Guardian, Mirror Force, Head of—HEY!"  
  
The wind blew at a most inopportune time, wafting the Head of Exodia card out of his hands and off the boat.  
  
"NO! NOT AGAIN!" Yami screeched, lunging off the boat after it.  
  
Down below that, Seto watched as a lone Duel Monsters card wafted by on the breeze. He plucked it out of mid-air and glanced at it. "Whoa…Exodia…" he murmured.  
  
Suddenly a loud shriek became known to him, and he watched in slight amusement as a well-dressed first-class passenger fell face-first onto the tin-foil balcony, making it creak and warp in agony.  
  
The passenger picked himself up and dusted himself off, grumbling, "Stupid lost cards…stupid wind…stupid tin-foil…"  
  
Seto held out the card. "Is this yours?"  
  
The passenger's eyes lit up and he snatched it greedily out of Seto's hand. "Yes! Exodia! I've found you at last!" he cried, kissing the card and slipping it back in his deck.  
  
Seto held out his hand. "Seto Dawson," he introduced himself.  
  
The strangely obsessive passenger took it. "Yami DeWitt," he replied.  
  
Then Yami noticed his portfolio. "Hey, you draw?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Cool. Hey, wanna come to dinner with me? I mean, you did save Exodia and all."  
  
Seto shrugged. "I don't have anything to wear, but sure."  
  
Yami grinned. "No prob. You can wear some of my stuff that my-" He grimaced, "-girlfriend gave to me. I hate it."  
  
"Cool."  
  
So Yami escorted Seto upstairs into his giant room, where they commenced in frivolous actions like jumping on the four-poster bed.  
  
"I'm flying, Seto!" Yami yelled, bouncing high on the bed.  
  
"I'm falling, Yami!" Seto yelled back, dropping hard onto the mattress.  
  
Both dissolved into giggles. Then Yami went to his closet, pulling out a blue-green trench coat, some black pants, and a black shirt. Seto put them on.  
  
"Hey, I look good," he said, admiring his new look in the big mirror.  
  
"C'mon. Dinner's about to be served."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Hey, just for the heck of it, wanna pretend that we were smoking crack out on the balcony?" Yami asked with a mischievous grin.  
  
"Okay," Seto replied with an identical grin.  
  
They went down to dinner, murmuring about the 'pretty colors' and repeatedly bumping into stuff, which just made the other guests say to themselves, "Boy, those kids sure used too much LDS in the 60's." (1)  
  
They got in the giant dining room, still banging into stuff. Yugi rolled his eyes. "YAMI!" he grumbled. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO ENTERTAIN YOUR FIANCEE THIS AFTERNOON! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!"  
  
"Well, see, I was going to, Father, but there was a windstorm, a typhoon, a plague of locusts, a traffic accident, a moose named Fred, an alien invasion, Exodia blew off the balcony, an iceberg, a flood, a fire, a tsunami, five guys smoking crack, and IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!" (2)  
  
Yugi thought about this a moment. "Yami, that was the biggest bunch of crap I've ever heard. You been on that LDS again?"  
  
"No," Yami replied with a conspiratorial wink at Seto.  
  
Tea lunged for Yami and put a death grip around his neck. Seto watched as Yami slowly began turning blue. He pulled out his sketchbook and began to take notes because Yami had just lit a cigarette and was sending up smoke signals that read roughly: "Get this psychotic lunatic off my neck."  
  
"Get…this…porcupine…lollipop…off…my…huh?!" Seto wondered.  
  
Yami gestured wildly to Tea.  
  
"Oh, you mean get this psychotic lunatic off my neck. Well, why didn't you just say so?" Seto said, pulling out a third-class meal ration and using it as a crowbar to pry Tea off.  
  
"…So, tell us a little bit about yourself, Seto," Yugi asked brightly, trying to ignore Yami's facial hue.  
  
"I was born September 16, 1895, on a bright and sunny day. My father was a tall brown-haired man with a beard and six fingers on his right hand. My mother was a blonde French waitress named Basheena. Six years later, my younger brother Mokuba was born. My mother was secretly a serial ax- murderer, and killed my father by chopping off his sixth finger. Then she killed herself. My brother and I were adopted by a big stupid brute named Roscoe DeWitt seven years ago, and I ran away because he was an idiot." (3)  
  
"Roscoe DeWitt? Funny, that's my father's name," Yugi said thoughtfully.  
  
"Really?" Seto replied innocently. "How interesting."  
  
Tea released Yami when their food was served, preferring to gorge herself on her portion, Yugi's, Yami's, Seto's, and the rich European guy next to them's.  
  
Quickly Yami and Seto snuck away, knowing that Tea would be busy raiding the fridge and that Yugi would be staring dreamily into her eyes. They headed into Yami's room.  
  
"You have a funky family," Seto commented.  
  
"No duh. Gee, I wonder if we're related," Yami said.  
  
"Maybe. Who knows. Hey, classy room!" Seto exclaimed. "They don't even provide oxygen in ours!"  
  
"Have some," Yami said, gesturing to seventeen giant tanks in the corner marked with "O2". "They keep some in here so we can breathe too. Apparently the ship is like a giant airtight chamber. That way it Cannot Possibly Go Wrong." (4)  
  
"Cool," Seto replied.  
  
"Hey, wanna draw me naked?"  
  
"Good gravy, no."  
  
"Whatever. Hey, let's go run around the ship giggling like giddy schoolgirls!"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
So they did, and they did, and found themselves down in the baggage car, where a car was being kept.  
  
"Hey, a car!" Yami noted.  
  
"Cool! Let's gas the sucker up!"  
  
"We can't."  
  
"How come?"  
  
"This is an Edsel, stupid. It doesn't run."  
  
"Crap. Hey, let's go inside!"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
They snuck inside the car, with Seto going in front and beeping the horn.  
  
"Hey, just like at Disneyland!"  
  
"SHHH! THAT HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET!"  
  
Giggling insanely, Yami pulled Seto into the back of the car. Soon the windows were fogged and steamy and there was crazed giggling inside.  
  
"Right hand green!" Yami announced, squirming to put his right hand on the green circle.  
  
Seto reached over and spun. "Left foot blue!"  
  
After about fifteen minutes both were sweaty and grungy and they still hadn't given up, so they spun one last time, drawing "Left hand yellow", and both collapsed at once because to do that would mean contorting their bodies into some kind of yoga-esque position that no human could possibly do.  
  
"That was fun," Yami exclaimed, pulling Seto out of the car.  
  
They headed out onto the deck and pulled out their Duel Monsters cards, laughing and playing with them.  
  
The captain watched intently. "Wasn't that supposed to be a girl?"  
  
It didn't matter because as soon as Yami set down the Head of Exodia, a stupid iceberg floated over for a closer look and jumped right in front of the Titanic.  
  
CRASH!!!! A giant hole was torn in the side.  
  
Yami whirled and glared at the iceberg. "Thanks a fat lot!" he yelled angrily. "Now the frickin' boat's gonna sink and all my Duel Monsters cards are gonna get wet! Darn you!"  
  
"Sorry," the iceberg replied. "I just wanted to look at the Head of Exodia. I'll leave now." Sadly, he floated away.  
  
"Hey!" Yami called after him, "It's okay, man! I totally understand! Just be more careful next time, okay?"  
  
"All right," the iceberg called back. "Hey, you want a ride to New York? I'll give you a lift if you need it!"  
  
Yami glanced at Seto. "That'd be good!"  
  
So the iceberg gave Yami and Seto a lift to New York. They didn't get married, obviously, but Yami gave Seto his Head of Exodia card as a friendship present, and they lived happily ever after.  
  
THE END  
  
Oh, yeah, by the way, the ship sank, too.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well? What do you think? It's just more of Macavity's pointless insanity. Joey the Flame Swordsman will neutralize all mean reviews with the help of Negate Attack (stolen from Seto's deck).  
  
Yami: How come I had to be Rose?  
  
Seto: How come I had to be poor?  
  
Yami: What happened to everybody else?  
  
Seto: Why was Yami taller than his 'father'?  
  
Me: Would you prefer I rewrite it so Tea was suffocating Seto, Yami was suffocating in the third-class rooms, Seto had Exodia instead of Yami, Mokuba was Seto's father, and everyone else played stupid roles like the captain and the iceberg?  
  
Yami and Seto: Come to think of it…no.  
  
Me: Then stop complaining!  
  
PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME! 


End file.
